Thursday, 30 June 2011

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 - Scream if you wanna go Faster

A perfectly acceptable attempt at making a totally unnecessary and pointless movie. The original Nightmare movie is a perfect blend of gore and scares and over the top bad guy.  That's why it works. That's why people love it and that's why Freddy is such an Iconic anti hero. The franchise both followed and established the rules for such movies.

This re imagining bullshit movie forgets all that and dishes out a big steaming turd affair. You can't side with the kids (you never can in a slasher, they're just fodder), and you can't side with Freddy.  No, not only because he isn't played by the Brilliant and maniacal Robert Englund  but because they keep ramming it down your throat about him being a Paedo.  Way to completely miss the point.

Don't waste your time on this and watch the original instead. It hasn't dated.

The Human Centipede - There is no 'I' in Shit.

Don't watch it. I know you want to, but don't. I didn't want to, but I did. I wish I hadn't and I only got to the bit when the Japanese bloke needed a shit.

The only menacing thing about this film aside from the writer/director, is the German scientist. But his whole ideology is flawed. He just seems obsessed with Human digestion, he can't stop talking about it. Even to the point that his first experiment involved his two dogs.

And that's the biggest flaw of all, cos everyone knows that you don't have to go to such ridiculous lengths to make a dog eat their own shit.


Thursday, 9 June 2011

Any Given Saturday - Well Happy

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After many years of nomadic wandering and many many false dawns.  Could this finally be the stadium plan that we've been waiting for???

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Pirates if the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - This is 4 right?

I don't really get the POTC movies.  The first one was great, but the following two were just ....... there.  Pirates 4 is in the same bracket as the other sequels.  It's good to watch but will (and already has a day later) just blur into the rest.  Leaving you to think "what one did that happen in?"

Much like Harry Potter films, they are all the same.  Lots of double crossing pirates, stiff upper lip British, a treasure (of which the viewer is unsure what it is even when they find it and also totally unsure of who really wanted it), Jack's crazy walk and chat and an ending to lead to another movie.

The only thing that makes you go "Wow!!!" in this chapter is finding out that the missing Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are really quite important to help these movies flow. Go Figure?

That said, I do love a good Pirate outing :) 

Question - This quartet of Pirate movies is now an ass numbing 599 minutes.  How many more sequels are on the horizon given the money they make??, But more importantly, why the hell do they have to be so long?  I fear if Bruckheimer get's his mate Michael Bay to direct the next one that, awesomely ridiculous though it could be, I may die trying to watch to the end.

A Perfect Getaway - Bully's Special Prize

A less offensive Natural Born Killers or a straight played Club Dread. Nothing more than a watch once thriller  that I hoped was a horror. Saved from the depths by the brilliant and fast becoming my favourite actor, Timothy Olyphant along with a great island setting.

Nothing really happens for the first half and only Olyphants ramblings keep you gripped, and on first watch you are expecting a lot more than you get. But then I suppose that's all that it needs to do. 

It's good, but it's not great.