Red State - Kevin Smith can talk a good movie

Kevin Smith of the Nerds Rom Com genre directs his first horror movie.  He should have stuck to what he knows as this was a very average movie. Very little shock or suspense for a  horror movie and a cop out ending (no Pun intended).  Oh well, at least the killers didn't require a twisted sexual motive for their murderous intent.  That made a nice change.

He should stick to what he knows best.  And I hope the rumours aren't true that this and Cop Out are his last films. I mean they would and should be if he hadn't already shown such great talent.

Invention of Lying - Best film ever made ;)

Never going to be a great film.  As funny as Ricky Gervais is, that whiny self depreciation humour will grate in a feature length movie.   And he does.  Despite some great scenes and one liners this film degenerates into nothing more than a predictable comedy. It is saved though because of the incredible dig at organised religion.  I could watch those jokes over and over again. :D

Piranha - Buns for show, Boobs for a Pro

High budget Lowbrow splatter fest.  Follows the rules of all crap horror movies but with an incredible on screen budget and all star guest appearance list.  It's all about the flesh on show though, with both the spring break bikini clad type and with the torn off the bones type getting plenty of screen time.  Add some shooting fish shotgun action and Braindead-esq blade chomping and this should have been a B movie classic. 

Alas some poorly handled needless plotting and unnecessary back story drop it marks.  Great knob gag though :)

Super - The Indie Hero

Although it could be seen to be studio doppelganger of  one of the greatest movies of recent years (Kick-Ass), Super couldn't be more different.  It has Independent movie written all over it, if the soundtrack, the sparse sets, quirky individuals and  the stark reality don't convince you then the appearance of Ellen Page should confirm it.

But it's a dark twisted comedy you embark on if you watch this film. When Rainn Wilson picks the Wrench as his weapon of choice against crime then you know this is where his Dwight Shrute character from The Office could reach if ever allowed.  

And that's the simplicity of this film. No gloss, just the thin line between Superhero Crime fighter and psychopathic maniac.....

"You don't butt in line. You don't sell drugs. You don't molest little children."

...Super indeed :)

Star Wars - Who had to die to get the Blade Runner release we wanted??

That is all............................. :(

Priest - Hell's Angels

Very short Movie (about 75 minutes if you take out the credits and cheap graphic start), absolutely no character development.  I don't think anyone even has a name.  Of course, this could be forgiven if the screen is filled with some bad-ass action, but it isn't.  Most of the time they just seem to be riding off somewhere else on their big old motorbikes.  When people do stop to 'develop', it all seems so tinpot.

A Blade-esq rip off that could have been much much better.

Drive Angry - Ghost Riders in the Sky

At last, a film worth watching for just the sheer pleasure of watching.  And starring my old mucker Nic-annoys me as a lead but I still like a lot of his films-Cage.

In truth, I think Nic felt he needed to make up for that awful cheese fest that is Ghost Rider with a similar styled affair, but hey, for adults this time.

Cars, explosions, Insane stunts along with ridiculous posing and dialogue (all intended of course) make this a film to reward the senses. And a film that feels it can steal from Shoot 'Em Up clearly knows it's audience from the first frame.

Loved every minute, with only the soundtrack letting things down for me at times.  St Nic proving again that it is possible to love his films whilst despising his acting at the same time.

William Fitchner saving the day for Nic in this one.  He's never bad Merely Badass.  maybe I should do a list of Nic Cage films I hate him in but still love and then investigate how the movie rises so well above the lead.

Mirrors - Vampires Weekend

Want to make a Horror film?  Always use Mirrors as they are a guaranteed scare factor.  Stick in a few classy deaths, try not to get bogged down and hire a quality lead in Kiefer Sutherland.  It's not gonna win any awards but it's up there with video rentals we all grew up with a loved in our youth.

The Quick and the Dead - It's a crap name for a film really

A watch once, light on memorable scenes, standard last man standing tournament movie, set in the wild west, staring a load of relatively unknown at the time but huge now actors being directed by Sam Raimi and all of his traditional touches.

I'd recommend you watch this movie, but I would be in no rush to watch it again with you.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 - Scream if you wanna go Faster

A perfectly acceptable attempt at making a totally unnecessary and pointless movie. The original Nightmare movie is a perfect blend of gore and scares and over the top bad guy.  That's why it works. That's why people love it and that's why Freddy is such an Iconic anti hero. The franchise both followed and established the rules for such movies.

This re imagining bullshit movie forgets all that and dishes out a big steaming turd affair. You can't side with the kids (you never can in a slasher, they're just fodder), and you can't side with Freddy.  No, not only because he isn't played by the Brilliant and maniacal Robert Englund  but because they keep ramming it down your throat about him being a Paedo.  Way to completely miss the point.

Don't waste your time on this and watch the original instead. It hasn't dated.

The Human Centipede - There is no 'I' in Shit.

Don't watch it. I know you want to, but don't. I didn't want to, but I did. I wish I hadn't and I only got to the bit when the Japanese bloke needed a shit.

The only menacing thing about this film aside from the writer/director, is the German scientist. But his whole ideology is flawed. He just seems obsessed with Human digestion, he can't stop talking about it. Even to the point that his first experiment involved his two dogs.

And that's the biggest flaw of all, cos everyone knows that you don't have to go to such ridiculous lengths to make a dog eat their own shit.

Avoid.

Any Given Saturday - Well Happy

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After many years of nomadic wandering and many many false dawns.  Could this finally be the stadium plan that we've been waiting for???

Pirates if the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - This is 4 right?

I don't really get the POTC movies.  The first one was great, but the following two were just ....... there.  Pirates 4 is in the same bracket as the other sequels.  It's good to watch but will (and already has a day later) just blur into the rest.  Leaving you to think "what one did that happen in?"

Much like Harry Potter films, they are all the same.  Lots of double crossing pirates, stiff upper lip British, a treasure (of which the viewer is unsure what it is even when they find it and also totally unsure of who really wanted it), Jack's crazy walk and chat and an ending to lead to another movie.

The only thing that makes you go "Wow!!!" in this chapter is finding out that the missing Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are really quite important to help these movies flow. Go Figure?

That said, I do love a good Pirate outing :) 

Question - This quartet of Pirate movies is now an ass numbing 599 minutes.  How many more sequels are on the horizon given the money they make??, But more importantly, why the hell do they have to be so long?  I fear if Bruckheimer get's his mate Michael Bay to direct the next one that, awesomely ridiculous though it could be, I may die trying to watch to the end.

A Perfect Getaway - Bully's Special Prize

A less offensive Natural Born Killers or a straight played Club Dread. Nothing more than a watch once thriller  that I hoped was a horror. Saved from the depths by the brilliant and fast becoming my favourite actor, Timothy Olyphant along with a great island setting.

Nothing really happens for the first half and only Olyphants ramblings keep you gripped, and on first watch you are expecting a lot more than you get. But then I suppose that's all that it needs to do. 

It's good, but it's not great.

Scooby Doo - Who the fuck are you???

Let's get one thing straight.  I hate Cheryl Cole Tweedy Dum or whatever her name is.  So I'm just gonna say one thing......

and it's not 'Racist' or 'Media whore' or 'Shallow' or 'Bitch' or 'Geordie Sweetheart' (Hell no!!!)

It's just this...

"Daphne"

Clearly it's not just your accent that got you the sack. 

I must get back on track

Rocky IV - If the franchise dies, it dies

Rocky by Numbers :-

1. It's a Cold War political statement
2. There's a fantastic montage
3. It's one long pop video
4. They realised who their audience is
5. Adrian confined to Angelically looking down and just going "Meh!" every so often
6. It's better than III
7. Horrendously dated technology on show
8. It's shit but now it knows it
9. Not as gay
10. Hearts on Fire

Rocky III - Get some Nuts!

Rocky III was the film I missed as a kid.  Therefore I can hold no biased love for the movie......

This is where the franchise becomes nothing more than that. Not so once a remake as a rehash this time.  But everything is aped to the nth degree.  It's more stupid, it's more gay.  It tries to follow the set formula laid down for all future Rocky movies, but it has no heart.  It's got more far too many of the famous Rocky Montage scenes and it's sooooo gay. If it hadn't taken itself so seriously it may have worked.

No Apollo fight.  No Music.  No Point.

Rocky II - He lied about the rematch

Rocky II is not so much a rematch but a remake, a bit like the way Evil Dead 2 was a remake of Evil Dead.  

The action picks up from the end of the first one (as will further sequels) and then the story just repeats itself.  Instead of Rocky being a washed up bum, he's a retired one off super star who vows never to box again. He still can't earn money.  Adrian is still whiny.  Paulie is still a dick. And Apollo Creed is still overly frustrated with everything.  Cue the Rematch.

Of course, none of this is bad as Rocky vs Apollo is the fight to watch, and the music still kicks ass and inspires you with every watch.

Rocky - He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!

Great Acting, Great fight scenes, Great score, Great Movie.

Rocky is simply fantastic.  How can you not be inspired when that theme kicks in, when he trades punches with Apollo Creed and when he runs up the steps of The Philly Museum of Art.  An awe inspiring Sports movie to be watched by all.

They're ain't gonna be no rematch...

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - A Tiger? In Africa?

Everything about this film should no longer work.  Everything about this film was pure cheese, even on release, and should never work.  I mean who can forget or is even allowed to forget the god-damn awful associated ballad from Sir Bryan of Adams?  

I'm not sure what the budget was for this film but seeing as Sean Connery got paid close to Marlon Brando fees for 60 seconds screen time I'm assuming it was hefty.  That then does not excuse the awful continuity on screen.  Swords appear and disappear at will, Costner's hair is wet, then dry, then wet, then dry more often than not.  The perspex glass cracking when a soldier gets a crossbow thrown at his face is the best bit.  As for  Costner covering himself in shit about an hour after Marion told him to take a bath, that's the best edit on show.

And while we're on Costner, he really does love himself and thinks he's the dogs.  Was there any need for the nakedness???  NO!!! At least he doesn't try an English accent, but that does mean we are left with his nasally tones instead. As for accents, what is going on with them. Christian Slater's wavering cockney, Morgan Freeman's Indian??? English actors generic English speak.  'You Tosspot'.

So there you have it, I could pick out endless faults with this film, and yet despite them it is still sooo much fun and way more fun than the recent Scott/Crowe effort.  You see the Robin Hood legend is all about fun and a simple story and there is no more simple than this version.  I love it.

Can't sign off without a special mention. Alan Rickman is immense in this film, playing classic Rickman of course, but so what. And THAT tune, just don't bother with the credits.  Sorted :)

The Mechanic - Transporter 4

Generic action movie filmed in a very generic way, right down to the camera distances, pans and drops. I don't slag off Jason Statham as he is a great action movie star and regardless of what some say, he really can carry a movie...........so I'm not gonna say anymore...... Christ, even the sex was straight out the action manual.....

....watch it if you're 10 and have never seen any action movies before.

Let The Right One In - Or stay in and watch something else

You're supposed to like this little Swedish vampire flick from 2008.  But I just didn't get the hype. In fact I looked a little like the picture above, the blood coming from head butting the wall with boredom.  Trouble is,  it's a bit dull, that and the fact that it's marketed as a horror film when really it's a fairytale for kids that wouldn't be able to stay awake through it. I'm sure that I've missed something, but it's not that I can't enjoy European cinema.

I would save you the boredom and link the awesome swimming pool scene as it is rather good, but I can't find an embedded code.  The US remake of this got me excited for once, but unfortunately it's almost scene for scene remake.

The Life of Brian -Which car company do you work for?

I'm not one to comment on current affairs (Ahem :/ ), but today's ruling by the ECJ over insurance policies and gender is almost the most stupidest yet. I say almost, as it could never be more stupid than the small minded "I'm alright Jack" comments that have greeted it.  Ironic, as they will not be. Like Insurance companies are not doing everything for their own benefit anyway.  Have you ever wondered why a billing company spends more money on chasing your owed pennies than the pennies are worth?

Anyway, this is a movie blog and today's events just made me think of the following. 

This :)

And this :)



Crazy ass world we live in.

The Sound of Music - According to Steve Jobs

So I'm bored, sitting on the bus on the way home, and decided to listen to my iPods top 25 most played songs. Surprisingly I didn't make it through all of them, but out of the 18839 tracks (all the mp3 tracks of any kind that I own are on my iPod), this is The 25 :-

Last chance for a Serenade - Audrey Horne (Superb Opener)

Down with the Sickness - Disturbed

Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes

White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

Welcome to the Jungle - Guns N' Roses

Pioneer to the Falls -Interpol

Futures - Jimmy Eat World

Escape form New York - John Carpenter

Spaceman - The Killers

Sam's Town - The Killers

Enterlude - The Killers

Sex On Fire -Kings Of Leon

The Last Day on Earth - Maryilyn Manson

Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls

Time To Pretend - MGMT

Blue Sky Mine - Midnight Oil

Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue

Cowboys From Hell - Pantera

Down With The Sickness - Richard Cheese (Also on my awesome zombie playlist :)

Red Queen - Resident Evil Soundtrack (Opens an Awesome playlist lasts about 2 seconds???)

Tell Me It's Not Over - Starsailor

Death - White Lies

To Lose my Life - White Lies

A Place to Hide - White Lies

Unfinished Business - White Lies (Ironic I feel)

So there you have it.  Unsure how only 6 songs from my oft listened to 30 strong Zombie playlist make it on the top 25, but I guess I get through the start more often than the end. That may also explain the White Lies top tunes appearing on there too. Good job I get most of my soundtrack listening done via Spotify.

I kind of like this feature, I will return to it after a few more months.  Unfinished Business.

Hard Target - Stay off the radar

Part one of my JCVD revisited double bill began with this little number from the early 90's.  I've never been a fan of Van Dame as he is just a vacuous actor who has zero charisma even for inhabited world of the action hero.  That said, I had fond memories of two of his films, Hard Target being one, Timecop the other.

Good Things - John Woo, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo

Bad Things - Pretty much the rest.

John Woo's action direction works in his HK flicks but his ability to carry emotion has always been a little suspect.  This film has all his trademarks, but the slo-mo, the cheesey music and the sickly emotion are not helped by JCVD's total inability to carry a movie.  Coupled with a bad mullet, studio interference, a shocking Wilford Brimley's accent (I hate Wilford Brimley in everything but The Thing and he even annoys me in that) and Woo's trademark bad stunt doubles and you have a cringe worthy watch once movie.  How could you not find a stunt double with a mullet in the US of A???

IMDb Link

War - What is it good for?

An 80's action Movie with modern day production values.  Jet Li kicks ass and stuff blows up.  What more do you want for this kind of film?  It's not going to be watched with nostalgia in 20 years but then neither is JCVD. 

It plays the old switcheroo in the storyline and it got 'The Stath' too.  And he only loses his Yank accent once,

"Stop Fackin' shooting"