Last House on The Left (2009) - I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Mad Psychopathic Bastard!

Just don't think we need films like this anymore. No longer shocking, just a bit disturbing. Torture, Rape, Murder and Revenge. You can't side with the bad guys and a bit worrying if you side with the 'Good?'. I like a good Horror film but I don't consider this to be it. The cinema was full though, Orange Wednesday can take the responsibility.

Blood Work - Meh!

Too obvious for me this one. The story is not original and Clint is just Clint. You can see who the killer is from early on and then it just falls into end scene parody. Note to Clint 'Must Do Better' Oh, you did. Never mind then :)

Titanic - Am I giving away the ending if I tell you it sinks?

This movie is about 12 years old now and it still looks fantastic. Shows a few flaws but then hey! don't we all. JC really nailed this one despite the criticism that was flying about re the cost, the tone and the sets. I think people were still reeling form Waterworld's over budget extravaganza and weren't prepared to give it a break. You watch it for the first time expecting some wuss love story but you get so much more. Epic Visual Feast. Will never be seen or appreciated by some, but then that's their loss. Of course I'm not sure if Cameron ever matched this but then that may have something to do with the fact that he went 'nuts'.

The Hitcher - How many years is a generation??

It does seem that they are remaking a lot of Horror films in the noughties. This is a bit of a treasured classic for people of my age, so I'll ignore that for the review. Like most of these remakimaginingboots, it seems that they up the gore factor and skimp on the scare factor (My words). I think they did that here to a degree but the scares were lessened by the fact it doesn't get dark early enough in the summer. This film looks fantastic though, it really does, no budget skimps and the actors are well into there roles. Sean Bean is a legend but he's no Rutger Hauer. You ain't never gonna perfect that stare Sharpe. Mostly the same as the original minus the 'gay' undertones. Never picked up on those in the '86 film so think it may just be a classic case of male insecure sexuality issues.

Mind Hunters - Brain Numbness

Renny Harlin. Check. Val Kilmer. Check. Christian Slater. Check. Johnny Lee Miller. Check. That pale women from Cold Case. Check. Eva Herzigova. Czech. The list goes on meaning this should be good, but it isn............

Wait, it's not bad. When I first saw this years ago I thought it was excellent popcorn fodder. Some great actors (poor stereotyped characters maybe - this is Renny), some good death scenes and a few jumps. Maybe the fact that it was a illegal copy made it that bit more edgy??? Who knows. It's worth a watch I think, although others may disagree. Not life changing but not Kak. It just doesn't stand up to a second viewing, even though I didn't realise this until the third. I certainly never noticed the terrible music on the first watch.

Terminator Salvation - Oh God in Heaven Help Me!

Well this was good. Despite the bad press I went with an open mind. What's not to like? It's the war with the machines. The glimpses we saw in the earlier movies in one big apocalyptic bonanza. Plays straight and doesn't kill the franchise in the way T3 tried to (I still love that as a movie though) and AvP II did to both Alien and Predator. But the Original still rules this ongoing Cyborg affair as it never felt the need for sentimentality in the machines. Cut the Star Trek Crap, It's too early in the morning!

Star Trek - Shadows?? On My Lungs???

Not blown away by this as much as I was expecting. I'm a fan of JJ, both his TV and Feature Film work. But maybe others had set the bar too high. Was watching T4 before this sending my archiving film brain into overload??? It was good, It was a yarn, but it was still Trek by numbers for me. No need to cream your pants if you get me drift! I will buy this and I will watch this again, the being Trekker that I am, but I think too many have gone overboard in expressing the adulation for this movie. Am I jaded???? Am I dying????? Can I not appreciate film anymore???

Ultraviolet - Not the brilliant BBC show you thought it was though

Stunning. Visionary. Beautiful. Gets better and more intriguing with every viewing. If only all films were made like this. I cant think how the writer, director and producer haven't got together to make more films, but then I suppose you can't beat perfection. That must be the reason :)

Grizzly Man - So it's Ted Danson's fault??

Well, this is a weird one! Is it an intriguing documentary about a childlike man who never grew up and dedicated his life to trying to protect the animals he loved so much from the dangers only he could see. Or is it one big trick being played on us all only to be revealed when Werner Herzog is on his deathbed and shouts out 'there were no fairies'. I blame that Sacha Baron Cohen and BBC Ghostwatch. Just remember, no one can tell you about Grizzly Man you have to experience it for yourself. Just Bizarre!!!!

The Italian Job - We are the self gratification society

One of those remakes again, and one that doesn't work for me. There are some great actors in this but you know it wont work when you see Ed Nortons Tache. Ooooh is he the bad guy???? Duh!!!! These films work when there is a subtle nod to the original, but I must of missed it. I mean who thought the Chopper Vs Mini was a good idea? OK but not good and not a patch on the classic original.

The Hills Have Eyes - But did the director????

Cant be too hard, It isn't that bad. But it's far from scary, just sick and gory. I don't know much of the original as I watched it about 20 years too late. It had not aged well to a first timer. So whether this is a faithful adaptation I cannot say. It just seemed that the director tried to mess with your senses using visuals, cuts and industrial noise that didn't mix/work for me. Who knows, maybe to fans the original and remake are as good as the Dawn of the Dead pair are to me. But I doubt it.

Bourne Supremacy - The best use of a magazine since Alien

Bourne is back. And in a unusual twist for sequels, it's even better than the first. Still roaming the gritty grey rainy world of Europe, still driving like a loon and still staying one clever ass bastard step ahead of his makers. Wow wow wow and more of the legend that is Cox too!!!!!! I await the Bourne Vs Bond comic strip.

Bourne Identity - Don't make me angry, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing when I'm angry

The film that spawned a thousand sequels. Well I think it did. Much like The Matrix inspired numerous scifi/fighting actioners (from the West anyway, Our Eastern friends were doing it for years) this one reinvented the Spy Thriller. Even James Bond sat up and took note. The story isn't entirely original, but then the book it comes from must be about 30 years old, so who knows. But ever since this film, fight editing has got quick and in your face and the hand held camera is king!!! The best bit is the sequels are even better.

Blade - Come back to me , we want your money, Taxloss!

Wesley Snipes in one of his better films. And a Marvel character I had never heard of. Not surprising really as not a huge comic book follower. When I first saw this on the big screen, it blew me away. It was a fresh take on the Vampire genre and also the attitude of the 'Superhero'. I watched it again for a lot more than the second time and it still holds up today. Still an amazing opening, still a thumping soundtrack, still a moody lead, still ass kicking and still stylish looking FX (last few blood bubbling images excluded). One of my favourite Marvel movies and one of my favourite Vampire ones too. But when do you ever see a bad vampire flick??? As the Inspiral Carpets said ' Cool as F*ck'

Pretty In P!nk - Dirty Pretty Thing.........Isn't she.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It was off to the NIA we did go. A surprisingly easy event to get to without the need of the worse human dumbing invention since the Calculator, the SatNav. Must have used a Flux Capacitor to get back though as I'm sure we arrived back before we left????

So this was my first Live 'Show' I believe. I've been to many 'Gigs' but I don't think this falls under that category. Whats the difference, well maybe the fact that they get over exited at high lighting a guitar solo. Whether this is because the music is not really that important, or because the audience wouldn't appreciate it, I'm not sure. I think it may just be to hide the fact that P!nk has run off for a costume change though. I'm quite glad she did as some of them were smoking. Luckily she dropped into water at the end and came out all wet....err, I digress.

This was the 'Funhouse' tour and as such had plenty of circus/burlesque/crazy shit going on in its entire presentation. All the songs were performed with energy and spectacle and I could sing along to the ones that I knew. As she performed many covers it helped that she has rock taste like I. Her cover of Zepplins ' Babe I'm gonna Leave You' was both a surprise and a pleasure (it sure made up for the acoustic version of 'Trouble' - why do they all slow down my favourite numbers, The Killers did it with 'Sams Town') and kudos to Bohemian Rhapsody (along with the excellent Freddie Inspired costume) which had all of the crowd singing along.

If only the crowd were as good as the act. Sadly too many people filming on there poxy phones (some filming the big screen- Duh!!!). I had the worlds slowest photographer in front of me, who seemed to be unable to grasp the fact that the act was likely to move every few seconds, hence why he couldn't get a good photo. Dweeb! And I am possibly unlikely to ever be in a room filled with so many Scissor Sisters at the same time ever again (Phew, as they never look the same as they do in Carpet Munchers 3 - thanks for that one Donnelly). You see P!nk is a bit of a Gay Icon. That old pop star frontman sexual ambiguity thing going on. Never seen it in a female star before, but she has used it to great results.

Loved every minute of it. She is gone, but the joke's the same.